Trigger warning sexual assault, sexual abuse.
August 3rd, 2013
Yesterday I woke up by alarm during a dream involving me and another woman trying to escape a man’s sexual abuse. Upon waking I was just kind of ‘huh, that was weird’, but now it’s somewhat disturbing.
I imagine nightmares are common if I’d actually been through such a trauma but I’ve never been assaulted or abused, and so this seems like a strange dream to have. Then today I woke up from a nap remembering a different dream, which involved me being sexually assaulted. I poked around on dream dictionary sites until I found one that says “we also create dreams of sexual attack when we are frightened by our own feelings and desires”.
I feel that explains it.
Two excerpts from that day. The first bears a trigger warning for self-harm and suicide.
The second is included to show once again how much I struggled with what I am (a sadomasochist) and the stigma ingrained within me. I’ve come a long way from that but those kinds of feelings sometimes pop back into my head again.
July 31st, 2013
"Feel so alone. So confused at my desire(s) to hurt. Makes me want to hurt myself, but not in a suicidal way. Just in a pain way. Punch the walls till my knuckles bleed. Frustration. Pain. Desire. Confusion. It all blends."
"G. The way her hair would spin if I struck her face hard enough.
I tell myself not to let it bother me.
Then I think: “I want to hurt people. How can that not bother me (or anyone halfway in their right minds)?”
J is my boyfriend at the time. G is his girlfriend/my friend (their relationship is open).
July 30th, 2013
"Asked J if the beating-him-up thing would apply to next time I saw him. He said yes, if the mood was right; he’d tell me if it was. I hope it is, because (this might make me sound like an awful person, but) I want to hit him—see how much pain I can cause with my bare hands, and how much he can handle…"
"I’m getting upset with myself because I feel it’s kind of wrong to have these thoughts, that I must be a horrible person. And in a horrid twist of a viscous cycle, my self-anger wants to display itself in act of violence. Towards someone—towards a living human being.
Maybe even G.
What the hell is wrong with me?”
Commentary: My reaction to the second quote shouldn’t be surprising to me, as I often have violent urges when frustrated. I take it out on inanimate objects, or write it better.
A quote from my journal. J is the first initial of my ex (I use initials for privacy).
July 29th, 2013
"Why do I want to hurt people?
Only physically, not mental/emotionally. Last time I was with him, J said I could hit him. I just smiled at the idea. I didn’t do it.
But I wanted to.
And I still do.
I think the main reason I am/was so shy about it is because there’s some part of me going ‘that’s not what you’re supposed to do. you’re not supposed to want to hurt people, in any situation. so don’t do it.’
But you know what? If I have persimmison, and I want to—then why the fuck should I hold myself back?…
Who knows? Maybe I’m actually super kinky, and more than a little bit sadistic!”
Three excerpts from my journal. The second one bears a trigger warning for mentioning depression.
July 27th, 2013
"I don’t know much about BDSM, and that makes trying is scary.
But what makes it even scarier is that I know I want to try it.”
"I am changing. I am fantasizing things I never though I would. I am hiding from things I crave. It consumes me. There is prodding at the depression-ripped fabric of my being. It’s a desperate prod accompanied by an aching desire to be out, to be free! Try anything! Follow every desire, no matter how kinky!…desperately clawing at the pre-ripped barrier of an exterior persona, as the stitching of insecurity and shyness prove to be amazingly strong! They hold [me] back so well, so frustratingly, and it makes even the exterior persona want to break down and cry…”
"I fear that which I crave.
And that’s pretty ridiculous, isn’t it?”
July 26th, 2013
Written in my journal that day: “If I like to hurt and/or control, and whoever I’m with enjoys being hurt and/or being submissive, then I shouldn’t feel ashamed or guilty or anything like that. So long as we’re both enjoying ourselves, and no one’s getting hurt—well then, what else matters? Safe, sane, consensual!”
Obviously I should have written something more like ‘hurt in a way they don’t like’ or ‘seriously hurt’, and probably mention consent when I mention enjoyment. I was still new, still learning, as I still am over a year later as I write this.
July 26th, 2013:
I had been thinking about kink a bit more in recent times, perhaps because I was beginning to come to terms with my sexuality and therefore had the mental space for other thoughts.
Some of my latest thoughts from that past week had involved cutting/being cut with a knife [knife play, blood play, though I didn’t know those terms yet].
I’m a writer, and while I don’t write erotica or sex scenes, I do sometimes think them. I remembered a similar knife/blood play scenario between two of my characters from a while ago, and hadn’t really thought about what it meant that I was thinking that. It was before I’d even heard the acronym ‘BDSM’.
It struck me like a punch in the face that I’d been in some form fantasizing about kink before I knew about kink.
July 24th, 2013
Opened (and deactivated) an account on FetLife, which I describe in my journal as ‘basically Facebook for kinky people’, which may not be quite accurate as it doesn’t imply the many groups and their forums. “Potentially scarring parts of the internet”, as my friend had said when she first explained the BDSM acronym to me.
[The ads on the side of FetLife made me uncomfortable; given my messy mental state at the time, I wasn’t able to cope].
I’m still shy about admitting my exact interests over a year later. But here’s this.
July 19th, 2013
My journal makes a note of some of the loose details of my fantasies/thoughts at the time; wax play, bondage, and something I dubbed ‘match play’. This was holding a match close enough to the skin to feel the heat, but not enough to burn [this may well fall under ‘fire play’, a term I was had not known at the time].
July 17th, 2013
One of the groups I had been involved in during my study abroad was KAOS, Killing As Organised Sport. Basically you run around ‘killing’ people with Nerf guns (or whatever other ‘weapon’) for fun.
Now back in the States, I saw some commentary on Facebook discussing KAOS’s upcoming ‘slave auction party’. I had to ask a friend in KAOS what the heck that was. Apparently it’s a fundraiser for their 48 Hour Party (exactly what it sounds like). You can ‘buy’ someone to act as your ‘slave’ for the duration of the 48. It’s not a sexual thing, despite the fact that I kept nearly calling it the ‘sex slave auction party’.
I have scrawled in my diary not to mix up KAOS and BDSM.